Happy Birthday Michael

I remember you, do you remember me too
Born on the 1st of July the sight of cartoons made you laugh
And though you’re going far from home rest assured you’re not alone

‘Cause I would give everything that I own
I’d give you my heart and this skin and these bones
The sun the moon the earth the sky I’d never even stopped to wonder why
I would do anything
I would give everything
to see you one more time
now that you are gone

It seems like such a long long time since you were here
But I think that you should know
we didn't want you to go


‘Cause I would give everything that I own
I gave you my love and this heart formally made of stone
The sun the moon the earth the sky The gocart that I like to ride
I would do anything
I would give everything
to see one more time
now you are up in the sky

But if ever you should stray, just know we loved you everyday
Look into our hands You're slipping through them like a tiny grain of sand


I remember you, do you remember me too
Seems like such a long long time since you were near and I called you mine

‘Cause I would give everything that I own
I’d give you my heart and this skin and these bones
The sun the moon the earth the sky a brand new gocart that you and I could drive
I would do anything
I would give everything
to see you one more time
now that you are gone
rest assured you are not alone

* Liberally taken and modified from Stereo Fuse, "Everything".

Skee Daddy, Michael, and the Lightning Round

I was just starting to teach Michael about the stock market. I would come home and pop on Cramer's Mad Money. The show is a great vehicle to teach people the basics about the stock market, no matter if you are 9 or 99 years old. Michael loved the Lightning Round. While he didn't know much about stocks or the market, he was fascinated by Cramer. Cramer is entertaining, so Michael would say "The crazy guy is on TV" or "He is so crazy" or "The Skee Daddy Guy is on TV" or "ARE YOU READY SKEE DADDY? The crazy guy is on", or "Stu can you believe he is nuts?". Michael would say "your show is on", but in my mind I was thinking it was "Our show" buddy.

I loved watching Mad Money with Michael, he rarely watched the whole show because of school or play, but we did get to see the lightning round everytime. I haven't really watched Mad Money since Michael passed away because it would bring back sad memories. I have not been in the market in months when I was trading daily (it was my new hobby).

Whenever Michael and I raced to the car in the morning I would say "ARE YOU READY SKEE DADDY?" And Michael would be off racing to the car. It was fun letting Michael win, and it was fun saying "Are you ready skee daddy?". No I have tears running down my cheek when I say it in my head.

Life in Motion

Life is in motion, it never stops, at times we feel like the world slows down and we catch a glimpse of the world in slow motion.  The world keeps turning, millions of people continue in their lives, everything changes.

Michael was always in motion, he was always doing something.  I was never able to keep up with him.  My world and his world were spinning at different speeds.  Many times they synched up, and we were never far apart.

When Michael died my world stopped, I was in shock.  I didn't know what to do.  I don't know how to cope.  I guess I keep thinking that he is gone, that he will be back someday.  In a sense I guess that is true.  The world is turning and I have trouble focusing.  Everythings is in motion and this place is emptier for me and Jenn without him.  My world is spinning out of control on several different axes. 

You can't hang on to those you love, you can't keep them forever.  They change - you change, you can only hold on to the memories and build new experiences and memories.  There is no stop motion where you can reposition or move back the pieces.  I have always looked in the past, then I met Michael and Jenn and I began looking foward in the future.  I don't think I spent enough time in the present.  I do have the memories, but feel cheated because I can no longer look forward to the future and see the three of us.

Afterburner

Michael loved to go to the park.  I took him to the park in sets, sometimes we would go every other weekend, then we would hit a dry patch.  When we were at the park we played a few different games....

1) Afterburner - he loved to have me push him on the swing... I would push him high and hard, but not too hard and would say "Afterburner".  Pretending he was a plane, I would love to push him and say Afterburner.

2) Don't Come Back - This was his all time favorite.  As I would push him, I would tell him to get out of here and don't come back.... when he swung back toward me I would say... "I said get out of ere and don't come back", this used to crack him up.  He would always say "I am back"..... It was so great.  Who knew that continually pushing a swing and making up a game would be so fun.

3) Chase - He loved playing chase all the time, he loved to be chased and loved to barely get away.  I would usually grab a leg while he was on the playset.  He always managed to break free and "win".  The good guys always won in his book

4) Star Wars/ Good Guy/ Bad Guy - As he got older he loved to race from one playset to another pretending that we were on the same team.  We always managed to escape, get reinforcements, and live to fight another day.  Michael had a vivid imagination that he got from his mother, I will always remember our trips to the park, too bad we didn't take more trips.   

Parks

1) Tom Brown Park (http://www.talgov.com/parks/tombrownpk.cfm)

2) Tekesta Park - Great for quick trips to the park, excellent for pretend Star Wars

3) Winthrop Park - Great playground, excellent to play "Daddy is the Troll who wants to get me"

April 9, 2009

It's the day my life ended.  

It's the day I heard terror in my wife's voice.

It's the day I heard my son had passed out at school.

It's the day that my wife and I were met at the hospital by the ER director, a chaplin, and some victim advocates from the sheriff's office.

It's the day I dropped my son off at school in the morning like any other day.

It's the day I will never hear my son's voice out loud, except in videos and my memory.

It's the day my son passed away.

I miss him dearly, tremendously, my heart is heavy and it aches whenever I think about it.

Michael was 9 going on 10 on July 1, 2009;  but he never made it.