Three Months Yesterday

A lot has been going on inside of me,

a blanket of sadness enveloping me like a dark night.
A storm rolled in from the sea.

I may have already posted the lyrics to this song. The person I am is someone who can listed to a song 30 or more times in a row. I woke up on the couch, crashed watching tv. I decided to load some new music on my ipod and put on my headphones. I looked at music in my library and found this song. I downloaded the lyrics and spent a few moments changing the words up. I love Winter Song... The first time I heard it was after they performed on Jay Leno. I went on YouTube and watched the video about 20 times that night. I purchased the song on itunes and haven't listed to it much since then.

Michael passed away 3 months ago yesterday (Thursday), an anniversary parents shouldn't have to celebrate. This is my winter song to Michael.....


Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum

This is our winter song to you.
You left us too soon,
A storm rolled in from the sea

Your voice; a beacon in my night.
my memories are my light,
I carry you with me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

They say that things just cannot grow
Beneath the winter snow,
Or so i have been told.

They say your spirit lives far,
Just like a distant star
we simply cannot hold.

Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...

This is my winter song.
April 9th never felt so wrong,
Cause you're not where you belong;
inside our arms.

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum bum

Do I still believe in summer days?
The seasons always change
And life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
And send it out every night
One day to meet again.

Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...

This is our winter song.
April never felt so wrong,
Cause you're not where you belong;
Inside our arms.

This is my winter song to you.
You left us too soon
A storm rolled in from the sea.

Our love for you a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
To carry you to me.

Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...

Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...

Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...

Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...

Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...

Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...
Our love is alive...

Download the song from iTunes, it is beautiful. Michael would have said, "You are still listening to the same song?" I would have shown him the video and he would have liked it because it was a cartoon and he was a lover of cartoons.

Michael's Name Project

To celebrate Michael, my wife has started a Michael's Name Project Group on Flickr.
Michael's Name Project.

We would love it if you could post a photo of anything interesting with his name "Michael" on it, and if you would like to join the group, just send Jenn a request with Michael's name in the body of the e-mail.
Thanks all for everything! I love all the pictures!

Happy Birthday Michael

I remember you, do you remember me too
Born on the 1st of July the sight of cartoons made you laugh
And though you’re going far from home rest assured you’re not alone

‘Cause I would give everything that I own
I’d give you my heart and this skin and these bones
The sun the moon the earth the sky I’d never even stopped to wonder why
I would do anything
I would give everything
to see you one more time
now that you are gone

It seems like such a long long time since you were here
But I think that you should know
we didn't want you to go


‘Cause I would give everything that I own
I gave you my love and this heart formally made of stone
The sun the moon the earth the sky The gocart that I like to ride
I would do anything
I would give everything
to see one more time
now you are up in the sky

But if ever you should stray, just know we loved you everyday
Look into our hands You're slipping through them like a tiny grain of sand


I remember you, do you remember me too
Seems like such a long long time since you were near and I called you mine

‘Cause I would give everything that I own
I’d give you my heart and this skin and these bones
The sun the moon the earth the sky a brand new gocart that you and I could drive
I would do anything
I would give everything
to see you one more time
now that you are gone
rest assured you are not alone

* Liberally taken and modified from Stereo Fuse, "Everything".

T minus One Day

T Minus One day until Michael's 10th birthday. We love birthdays in this house. Especially if it is Jenn's or Michael's. We would have had a scavenger hunt. I remember the first time we did the scavenger hunt. Jenn did one for my birthday and Michael loved it so much he wanted one. So Jenn spent the time, drew a great map and we hid presents in various locations. Michael didn't know what to do at first, he wasn't sure what the map was for and how to proceed. Finally with enough coaxing, he started on the map to read the clues with help and to follow the map. What a fun birthday that was. This year will be much different. It is T Minus One Day for us to celebrate Michael's 1st birthday without him, no scavenger hunt, no Michael, no fun.

Hard

It's been four days since my last post and I find it hard to come to my blog. I find it difficult to post. I want my life to be consumed by other things, so that I don't continue to feel sad. Sad as a word doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I am not aware of a better word at this moment which could convey my deep sorrow and loneliness that Michael is gone.
It's hard to post when you are sad, everytime I hear the song "hey there Delilah" I get so sad. I keep remember hearing him sing witout knowing the lyrics. He would always say the last word of a chorus after it had been sung. Some songs he knew more lyrics.

Stories are all I have left

Stories are all I have left of Michael. Sure we have some physical things (toys/clothes/etc), but stories are what I live for. I love to hear stories and I love to tell them. I have no new stories and find myself grasping to remember any little story. I know the day will come when I remember no more. Sooner than that will be the day that I keep telling the same story over and over. I am like that now with things that happened to me in 1994 or 1991 or 1996.

How will I react when I have no more new stories of Michael? How will it feel? Will it bother me or will many things fade. I don't know what I am going through. I can honestly say that I have been more productive at work this week than a long time. Michael's birthday is coming next week and we have so much to do. I don't want to do anything. I just sit on the couch watch tv, surfing the web at the same time. I go to the gym everyday for an hour and am back at home. I just don't have the energy. I can only muster myself the energy to walk at the gym. It's all I can do. While walking I think of the stories that Michael told me and stories that I told him, watch a little tv then rinse, wash, and repeat.

What happens when the memories and stories fade? I have a terrible memory, I forget most things. My life started somewhere around 1988 with my childhood being a blur. My memories and stories from that time on have comforted me and made me feel happy, sad and a host of other emotions. My memory is slipping and stories are all I have left....
...
for now.

Dreams

Do you ever have any cool dreams? What about scary ones?

I used to ask Michael about his dreams virtually every day. Whenever I went to wake him up in the morning my routine was...
"Wake up buddy" Nudging him gently
"I am so glad you are awake" Once his eyes were open
He would stumble out of bed and walk lead footed to the bathroom leaving the bathroom door open, then sit on the toilet and pee.
When he would come out, I would ask him "What do you want for breakfast"
He would say "Pancakes!"

I would grab 2 pancakes from the freezer and pop them in the microwave. I would add sugar free syrup to the pancakes without butter and give him the plate.
Lately I would ask him to pay for the pancakes and juice (V8 fusion).
While he was eating I would ask him if he had any good dreams that night. Most nights he did have good dreams. They were always about him getting being a good guy and defeating a bad guy. They may have had monsters, knights, or space ships in it. A lot of times is was the military and he was a leader defeating the bad guys. He would finish his story after the pancakes and maybe continue it in the car on the way to school.

I wonder if he has any dreams now? Does he miss those delicious pancakes?