Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Michael and I always raced.  We loved counting down a multitude of things from TV, to weekdays, to games.  He was very competive and I almost always let him win.  I remember we would race to the car every morning.  He would love to get a head start and beat me to the car.  Sometimes I would cheat and get a head start, but he always booked it to the car and I usually let it end up in a tie.  I always wanted him to continue trying, no matter what the obstacle.  I always started with a countdown from three before we started to race.

As a small toddler, I used the sit him in my lap and do a countdown.  We would pretend we were on the space shuttle and I would start shaking him softly as we got closer to zero.  When we reached zero, I would blast us off, by falling backwards from a sitting position.  We would get into a position like atronauts and shake and turn him.  He loved dodging the meteors and his all time favorite was when we tipped over into a crash landing on a planet.

Now I have a countdown of a different kind.  I don't have a set number and I dont know how long the countdown will be.  But when the countdown hits zero, we will be able to play again.  Until then, I am here without him for many years.  There is no way I can cheat this countdown, it is the countdown of life.  This is the longest countdown of my life.  My rocket ship has come crashing down to Earth and there is devastation on the landscape called my heart.  A nuclear bomb has exploded and the crater is enormous.

Until my countdown reaches zero, I will have to continue to play on without Michael.  To pilot my ship waiting for my copilot to return.  When playing I loved to restart the countdown and Michael used to always say "again Stu, again, do it again".  I find myself saying I wish I had a redo.  You will never know how precious life is until you lose someone.  That is a lesson I wish no one had to learn.  Life goes on, and things will get easier, but until then I am piloting my ship without the worlds best copilot and watching time countdown.

1 comment:

  1. I'm a new dad, and I'm not sure what to say. Sometimes I the emotional journey dads go through is not as easily recognized by others. I hope that you can find comfort. Your love for your son inspirational.